Botched Guest Blog: This is gonna hurt

Fatty, of Fat Cyclist fame, invited me (Botched, that is, not to be confused with Caloi-Rider) to go on a mountain bike ride tomorrow with him, dug, Kenny and Rick. Fatty has discussed the cycling prowess of all these individuals and different times on his blog, and has essentially said that dug and Rick are amazingly fast, and Kenny defies description. As for me, I’ve ridden an average of about 3 hours a week so far this year AND I’ve never been on the trails we’re going to ride. I need to prepare strategies for deflecting criticism, and for slowing everyone else down while I try to re-swallow the lung I’m going to cough up.

So what I need from you, dear readers, is a set of excuses I can use as to why I’m so slow and possible strategies to use to reduce the overall speed of the ride (other than being dead last and making them wait for me at every bend of the trail). The task is not as easy as it may initially seem, because Fatty has written a couple blog entries on cycling excuses, and will instantly recognize “I’m recovering from a cold” as not only a weak excuse, but a rip-off of his material.

And finally, I was considering giving Fatty a huge jar of mayonnaise as a gag gift. Considering the fact that I have never met or spoken with Fatty before, how weird do you think it would be to receive a jar of mayonnaise from someone you met blogging?


33 thoughts on “Botched Guest Blog: This is gonna hurt

  1. Unknown

    Excuse – "I\’m actually Al Maviva, and although I can still roll pretty good, I weigh 270 pounds and these stee[ hills are killing me today."  Works for me all the time. 
    Mayo – this would actually be about what I\’d expect as a gift if I met any of you.  Or mayo plus a pound of thick cut, hickory smoked bacon.  If this is sounding like a wishlist for when I come out west for Lotoja next year, Caloi…

  2. Zed

    You could tell them you\’re tapering for that E100 12-hour race. It\’s going to be so tough, you had to start saving the energy three months in advance …

    "I must be coming down with something. Maybe I contracted cancer from one of my patients …"

    "I\’ve been training with Caloi lately, and I think it\’s slowing me down …"

    Any takers?

  3. Unknown

    I was thinking "I donated my leg muscles to science."
    As for slowing strategies, the onlything I can think of is to ride as hard as I can, get to the front, and then ride at my pace and don\’t let anyone pass me.  Either that, or I\’m going to carry a bunch of sticks with me.

  4. Zed

    Sticks break much more easily when inserted into a rider\’s spokes than do tyre pumps. Perhaps you can grab a couple of cheap WalMart pumps. I\’m sure they\’ll do the trick.

  5. Zed

    Wait, I\’ve got it: pack a whole bunch of Clif Bars to the top, and when you get there, start handing them out and say, "Sorry I\’m late guys, these things were slowing me down." No one can complain about a generous slow guy, right?

  6. Tom Stormcrowe

    I\’ll remember the dietary request, Al! On thich HUGE BLT with Triple Bacon and extra Mayo, on a 14" French loaf! Sound like good inducement? ::GRIN::Botched, you can always claim you ate one of those sandwiches, by the way!

  7. Sue

    Tom, I have only set one goal for the ride with Fatty and the Fatheads: do not throw up.  I will not become a blog entry detailing another person to whom Fatty exposed nausiating amounts of anaerobic stress. I will probably whimper and I might even shed a tear or two, but I will not puke.  I will not puke.  I will not . . .

  8. Zed

    A noble goal, Botched. I might do the Pass this weekend. My goal is precisely the opposite, but I plan on being ahead of my riding company when I puke, not the other way around.

  9. Jose

    Whenever you feel that you are dying, just blame your bike. Pretending to have problems with your derailleur, it’s always a good excuse. You could also fake a flat tire, just stop whenever you are alone and deflate the tire. That will give you some time to rest. The only problem is that you’ll have to inflate it again, and that consumes energy.

  10. Sue

    An excellent idea Jose, in fact, I was thinking of carrying a sharp object and actually puncturing my tire!  Now I\’m sorry I put that Stan\’s No More Flats in my tires!

  11. Big Guy on a Bicycle

    Chain suck.  As long as you are in the back, it\’s hard for anyone to disprove.  If you like, you could actually try to put something on your chain that will actually cause some chain suck (in case you are called upon to demonstrate).  Some mayonnaise, perhaps…

  12. uncadan8

    You could try the poor, starving student line: Long days, longer nights, no money to buy food much less chain lube, everything goes to buy books which, "oh, look! there are still a couple tucked into my camelbak! that must be what is slowing me down."

  13. Sue

    BGOAB, chain suck is not bad.  Considering the mechanical state of my bike right now, it would be believable. I ride a cannondale scalpel, and right now the rear triangle squeeks to high heaven.  I mean it\’s just rediculous. I went for a short ride on it last night just to see if everything works, and I had every mouse within a mile following me like the pied piper. I\’m considering distributing ear plugs at the beginning of the ride.
    UNCADAN, that\’s not an excuse, that\’s the FACTS. The books, yeah, that\’s what\’s slowing me down, that and this anchor I\’ve been dragging.

  14. Tim D

    Botched,  everyone knows that brains weigh more than fat.  What is slowing you down, despite being much fitter than Fatty, is your enourmous brain.

  15. Unknown

    The best ONE? Are you kidding me?  I need the best COMBINATION of all the excuses/tactics.
    " . . . (babbling nearly incoherently) I\’d have kept up, but my poor textbook big brain anchored me to my chain suck, here, have a clif bar."

  16. uncadan8

    Why do I get the feeling that on a follow-up post, Botched is going to be telling us how– in sheer amazement of abilities he didn\’t know he even had — the ride went just fine and he actually had to wait for Kenny and the others at the top of every climb? Methinks we might be getting set up for the fall!

  17. Unknown

    Ya\’ know, I\’ve been thinking… How do I put this ? OK, you guys could probably make more money and afford better bikes if you didn\’t spend all your time and brain-power on the internet blogging. Or do you have droogies and mininons doing the work like I do ? Just a thought.
     Botched – I think you will show \’em who\’s boss today. I have confidence in you. Or you will DNF because of your abused, neglected bike. That ounce of prevention doesn\’t cost much but sure beats walking.

  18. Unknown

    Boz, PAH!  My work actually has quite a few little breaks throughout the day and I\’m essentially self-employed.  Every minute I spend not working is another minute it will take me to get my Ph.D..  No doubt I could be more productive, but I\’ve been down that road.  I once worked 83 days in a row and used to put in at least 70 hours a week with a personal best of 105 hours in one 7-day period.
    I think I\’ll blog a little during work.

  19. Unknown

    As for me kickin these guys butts. NO WAY.  Caloi reminded me that Kenny was on the winning relay team for 24 hours of Moab, and he road a totally rigid single speed.

  20. Zed

    By the way, Boz, I actually started the blog because of my work. In my line of work, I\’m either really busy or really not-busy. Guess which one was driving me more nuts. Don\’t get me wrong, I\’ve been looking for work to do on the side, but to no avail just yet.

  21. Unknown

    BTW, my comments were with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Checking in on my favorite blogs is a great stress reliever during a busy day.
    Maybe Kenny will have an unfortunate mishap on the ride.
    "You Bastards – somebody killed Kenny !!!!!"

  22. Unknown

    I got it BOZ, I just felt like typing. 
    I am hoping to be Kenny\’s kryptonite.  I hope he\’s sick.
    I just ate the biggest Thai lunch.  Spicy and lots of fat.  Uh oh.

  23. Tim D

    Botched, go with the mayonaise thing, but get all the guys one and insist they take it.  You take one as well but make yours a Mayo Lite!

  24. Zed

    Tim\’s a genius. Tim, have you ridden with these guys before or something.

    Boz- no worries about that tongue-cheek stuff. These comments are too good for me to delete the blog today anyway. Maybe tomorrow.

  25. Sue

    Ouch.  That really DID hurt.
    I\’m back from the ride.  Too tired to type.  Will fill in details tomorrow.
    P.S. Kenny is a monster.

  26. Unknown

    Yes Boz, I do have droogies to do some of my work for me.  Sadly, droog-herding is overrated by non-droog-herders as a job that produces a life of ease.  Droog herding is really a heck of a lot of work, more work certainly than being a simple droog and hanging around the Korova Milk Bar all day.  
    So how would you like your ultraviolence – one lump, or two? 

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