Yes, I know I’m not fat

Every time I work from the home office, I go up to the cafeteria for my standard lunch–cold ham and cheese on wheat. Depending on whether I’m ordering a bagel to go along with it, I’ll crack one of two jokes with the cashier.

If there’s no bagel involved, the cashier and I have a running gag going. She’ll read off my price with some extra zeroes attached, "That’ll be 495,000 dollars."

And I’ll hand her my money along with, "There goes my life savings."

If I’m ordering the bagel, the cashier will offer me some cream cheese, which I will decline with the following statement, "No thanks, I’m watching my figure."

For some reason that last one always elicits laughter, even though I’ve cracked the joke a dozen times or more. And the truth is, I’m not entirely insincere about watching my figure. No, really. I know I weigh 140 pounds, and I can probably bench press my own bodyweight 12 times or more, but I’d really like to skinny down a little before this whole cycling season starts up. Is that really so absurd?

Occasionally my wife will catch a wiff of my avoiding dessert and chastize me for being a psycho dieter or something. "YOU’RE NOT FAT!" comes the refrain. I realize I’m not rotund or grotequely obese or anything, and I know that I’ll probably have to live with those soft curves in the love-handle area for some time, and I know that the scale is my friend. And, yes, I was paying attention when the nurse at the last doctor’s appointment told me to start eating more so my wife doesn’t outweigh me when she has the baby, but I still think I have four or six more pounds to go before I’m quite at the optimum power-to-weight ratio. And, no, I have no intention of ever being anything but a weekend warrior. But I’d still like to ride well for a weekend warrior.

That said, I just want to share with you my concept for your magazine photo ideas. Check ’em out, and tell me what you think:

P.S. UncaDan, it ain’t too late to submit yours. That would probably be pretty cool.

P.P.S. The South Beach Diet Sobe drink I’m sipping is just the result of an error. I couldn’t see the front of the bottle from the vending machine, really! I swear I haven’t gone off the deep end–yet!

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20 thoughts on “Yes, I know I’m not fat

  1. Unknown

    Yes, I Know I\’m Fat.
    Funny, most people reply when I say I\’m trying to loose 30 more lbs " you don\’t look overweight".
    A – They are lying.
    B – They are obese trhemselves, and you look svelt to them.
    C – They don\’t ride.
     
     

  2. Unknown

    For me feeling fat is not about where I am, but about where I used to be.  Compared to the past, I am fat. No argument. Compared to some in the B5 challenge, I am a greyhound.
     
    For the wreck photo how \’bout "To find your limits, you must occasionally exceed them" for a (de)motivational type poster.
     
    Or for a bike magazine, "How not to do this, pg 18." or "How to pick the best line, page 22".
     
    or more generically
     
    "Read bike, learn, and avoid finishing your run like this."
     
    "Bike Magazine. Helpful tips from the pro\’s"
     
    "Bike Magazine; even our copy editors get in on the action"
     
    Botched

  3. Unknown

    Sorry, the first generic line should be "Read Bike Magazine, and avoid finishing your run like this."
     
    Botched (again)
     
    P.S. Next year, my new year\’s resolution will be to proof-read my comments BEFORE I publish them.

  4. Zed

    Boz- I guess as long as we\’re riding we\’ll always want to lighten the load a little–since it costs $2,000 to lighten your bike by 3 pounds. I think of it as a cost-effective process.

    Botched- That means we only have one more year of entertainment with regard to unedited blog comments? I think you missed your calling with those headlines. Those are classic. I might just have to toy with some of those and come up with a weekly or monthly Uphill Batlle magazine cover. Good idea?

  5. Unknown

    Caloi, that\’s awesome!! Lets enter that contest.  You crash, I\’ll take the pictures!
     
    Boz, excellent.  Those tag lines have to be short, short, short.  Bike not Biff is perfect.
     
    Botched

  6. Zed

    Just bring a camera to the 12 hours of the E100. I\’m sure we\’ll catch a view of someone getting mashed up (I\’m hoping it isn\’t me, though).

  7. Unknown

    Uh-oh, don\’t develop a case of man-orexia. Altho I relate. Wanting to shave off 3-4, however, doesn\’t manifest itself in me cutting down on desserts. I wail about losing those extra pounds, then eat cookies daily.

    Are you serious? You want to get down to 134? How tall are you? Unless you\’re barely pushing 5 feet tall, that\’s super slender (and I say this because I fear that you\’ll weigh less than me, then I\’ll get competitive and lose 10 lbs, then be too skinney, have no energy and lose all my racing fervor, – don\’t do it to me Caloi)

  8. Zed

    Yeah, I guess the target weight is more like 136-138. But I\’m getting conflicting information from the scales. My in-laws\’ scale put me at 140 last night, but the scale at work keeps putting me at 143.5. I just don\’t know who to trust. Either way, I think my avoidance of upper-body weightlifting has been effective in reducing the amount of weight I\’m carrying.
    Yeah, don\’t worry about me skipping dessert too often. I have a friend who\’s selling imported Canadian chocolate as part of a class project, and he\’s benefitting from my obsession for Caramilk bars. I\’m just lucky they aren\’t usually for sale around here.

  9. Zed

    I think I figured out what was wrong with Al\’s link. Here\’s the new and improved version: http://coldfury.com/index.php/?p=6423
    Gee, I am starting to sound like an ad rep, eh?

    Erica- Allow me to reiterate what I said over at your blog: scary. But, on the other hand, you are a triathlete, destined for Kona and the World Championship, so you\’re probably burning a lot more calories than us lazy folk. So maybe that\’s okay. At least that\’s how you can justify it when your husband asks why you need to go to the grocery store for the fourth time this week.

    I just want everyone to know that I endorse MavivaGear.

    BigMike–I know it–her and everyone else in Hollywood with an image consultant. Makes you wonder how she\’d do at the B5 challenge, eh?

  10. Zed

    Hey, but it wouldn\’t be without your super-smooth photography. I\’m beginning to think about planning a trip to the Alps some time … like when I\’m rich and famous in 2019.

  11. Iain

    Yeah, you have got to get over to the Alps at least once, you definitely wont regret it.  As for rich and famous, keep up the great blog and who knows!

  12. Zed

    Right, you told me that in your first comment. Guess it hadn\’t sunk in yet. I guess I was having a dense moment (day?).
    Yeah, we\’ll see. The other day I had a conversation with someone about where I\’d like to live after I leave this area, and my response was that it didn\’t really matter as long as there are mountains nearby. That\’s my only stipulation.

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